Here is my personal favorite from 2012 – The “Before Christmas Tree”
On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me Yggdrasil – cold, dark northern mother of every partridge in all the pear trees.
On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me TWO sacred groves, where germanic pagans made yuletide sacrifice of turtle doves, and Yggdrasil…
On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me THREE frankish henchmen, with St Boniface to fell Donar’s nasty pagan oak, TWO sacred groves…
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me FOUR Livonian Schwarzhäupter sworn to defend the Baltic from pagan revolts, THREE frankish henchmen, TWO sacred groves…
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
M-A-R-T-I-N L-U-T-H-E-R-S R-I-N-G-S
(glittering as he added those candles to his saxon fir tree)… FOUR Livonian schwarzhaupter, THREE Frankish henchmen…
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me SIX German princesses with time a-laying heavy… M-A-R-T-I-N L-U-T-H-E-R-S R-I-N-G-S… FOUR schwartzhaupter, THREE French henchmen, TWO sacred groves…
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me SEVEN Victorian matrons swooning, SIX princesses a-languishing, M-A-R-T-I-N L-U-T-H-E-R-S R-I-N-G-S… FOUR schwartzhaupter, THREE French henchmen…
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me EIGHT schmaltzy scribblers (having a dickens of a time) milking, SEVEN matrons swooning, SIX princesses a-languishing, M-A-R-T-I-N L-U-T-H-E-R-S R-I-N-G-S…
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me NINE Bolsheviks dancing around their secular New Year Tree, EIGHT schmaltzy scribblers, SEVEN matrons swooning, SIX princesses a-languishing, M-A-R-T-I-N L-U-T-H-E-R-S R-I-N-G-S…
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me TEN Boston lords leaping-angry at the PC “holiday tree”, NINE bolshies dancing, EIGHT schmaltzy scribblers, SEVEN matrons swooning…
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me ELEVEN million dollars flaunted on the “Most Expensive Christmas Tree Ever Created”, in a muslim city, in a bling bling hotel, TEN angry lords, NINE bolshies dancing, EIGHT schmaltzy scribblers…
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me TWELVE pages of hits on “Christmas Tree” in the Kindle e-book store, including the classics: The First Christmas Tree…The Last Christmas Tree…The Lonely Christmas Tree…Get A Good Christmas Tree or Die Trying…Baby Beneath The Christmas Tree (MIlls and Boon)…An Angel for the Christmas Tree (probably not Mills and Boon)…A Cowboy Under My Christmas Tree (?)…Swapping (and worse) Around the Christmas Tree (definitely NOT Mills and Boon)… BOGOF (the supermarket cat) and the Christmas Tree… The Runaway Christmas Tree…und so weiter, as the Weihnachtsbaum lovers say….
…ELEVEN million dollars, TEN Lords a-leaping, NINE Bolshies dancing, EIGHT schmaltzy scribblers, SEVEN matrons swooning, SIX princesses a-languishing…
M-A-R-T-I-N L-U-T-H-E-R-S R-I-N-G-S
…FOUR schwartzhaupter, THREE French henchmen, TWO sacred groves…and Yggdrasil,.. where all this craziness begins.
Abu Dhabi enjoys a curiously Janus like reputation in the Middle East.
Looking east from Riyadh, the emirate looks brash and glitzy, an alluringly modern young man, but looking west from fantasy Dubai it seems dour and conservative – a kill-joy parent only good to bail you out when things get out of hand. Relatives can be hard to handle.
Warner Brothers were refused permission to film Sex and The City 2 in the emirate, and had to settle for Morocco, slyly inserting shots of Abu Dhabi later. But this didn’t stop the New York Times from slamming both the film and the (feigned) location:
“Sex and the City 2 flees into a never-never land that manages to be both an escape from contemporary reality and an off-key, out-of-touch mirror of it. The emirate to which the four friends repair is an oasis of gilded luxury in a world that has grown a little ambivalent about unbridled commodity fetishism… The ugly smell of unexamined privilege hangs over this film like the smoke from cheap incense.”
So what – I hear you grumbling – has all this got to do with trees?
Well, to try to make some sense of all this ambiguity I decided to apply my newly invented Hoggs-Bison® googlemetric* which provides a measure of a civilization based on how a community chooses to interact with its trees. So – skipping lightly over the ominous news that many of Abu Dhabi’s palm trees are imported from Florida – here is the evidence for the prosecution, based on a random selection of recent news items portraying the emirate’s sylvan behaviour.
1. Abu Dhabi Hotel Regrets $11 Million Christmas Tree
In December 2010 The Huffington Post reported that “An Abu Dhabi luxury hotel that boasted an $11 million Christmas tree decorated with gold and gems admitted Sunday it may have taken the holiday spirit a bit too far. A statement from the Emirates Palace hotel said it regretted ‘attempts to overload’ the Christmas tree tradition by adorning it with premium bling including gold, rubies, diamonds and other precious stones from a hotel jeweler”. The hotel later retracted its statement of regret, and three months later the tree made the Guinness Book of Records (“The most expensive Christmas tree ever created”).
2. 800 year old olive tree planted in Abu Dhabi Development
In July 2011 Gulfnews.com reported that this 800 year old olive tree – imported from Lebanon – has been planted on a new business and residential development as a “centerpiece to be something unique” chosen for its “character and historic significance”. A new twist on Lebanon’s 6000 year timber exports.
3. Excessive watering poses danger to date palm trees in Abu Dhabi
In June this year, Gulfnews.com reported that date palms, which apparently need 300 litres of water a day to flourish, are routinely being given 2100 litres, making them susceptible to weak roots, pests and disease. Abu Dhabi has the highest per capita water consumption in the world – 550 litres per day, compared to the global average of 350 litres, and the agricultural sector alone consumes 1.5 billion cubic litres of water a year, which is 52 per cent of the total consumption of the emirate.
4. Goats in a Ghaf
By way of contrast, here is Prosopis cineraria, known locally as the Ghaf tree, the UAE’s national tree, which is currently threatened by over-grazing (goats) and over chopping (humans).
and just in case you doubt the destructive power of goats…
but we are straying from the City…
So how best can we make sense of all this? The Green Prophet blog (a “sustainable voice for green news on the Middle East region” – http://www.greenprophet.com) pointed out in November 2011 that an ongoing campaign to plant one million trees in Abu Dhabi (admirable in itself) seems like one more luxury the Emirate can scarcely afford. Apparently The Emirates Environmental Group (EEG) has planted one million trees in four years in order to stave off climate change and desertification, and to restore its heritage of indigenous trees, but as Green Prophet so neatly summarizes the conundrum:
“Without trees, the planet will heat up even faster and our air quality will worsen. Without water, on the other hand, life simply can’t exist; life grows where water flows.”
Abu Dhabi: paragon or pastiche? You decide.
* the Hoggs-Bison® googlemetric uses modern browser technology to evaluate the level of
porkies oversimplification and good old PRBS in modern spin generated sound-bites.